Table Tuesday

It's Ten-sided [dice] Table Tuesday! Here's three dice tables for your Game Mastering convenience.

 

1d10 only situationally useful magical items

For fostering ingenuity and/or populating the back of the archmagician's wardrobe.

1. Circlet of Tartar Control
2. Belt of Expertise With Monkey Bars
3. Bag of Dehydrated Oozes
4. Ancestral Spirit Blade of Somebody Not Yet Born
5. Animated Bucket of Sandcastle Making
6. Epaulettes of Depilation
7. Boots of Walking Up 45 Degree Slopes
8. Amulet of Protection Against Boors
9. Sword of Being Sundered
10. Movable Rod

  

1d10 fresh mysteries

To hand your players when everything gets unexpectedly resolved and you're in a pinch for content.

1. Someone woke up invisible today, only fades in slowly
2. The temple is doubling your tithes
3. Who stole the horseshoes off your steeds?
4. Those bodies you left strewn about vanished overnight
5. The moon has changed colour
6. Your guide was an illusion the whole time
7. All the bed frames in this inn are altar-stones
8. Sudden glut of impossibly cheap spices in market
9. Various signs of a persistently-nonexistent secret door
10. Urgent yet cryptic message from a patron divinity

 

1d10 strange allies

For dispensing sage counsel, showing up when all seems lost, giving clues, or being piteously in need of help.

1. Sealed terrarium of hyperintelligent moss with questions about the world
2. White-haired retired crimelord with huge family
3. Gloomy intelligent enchanted shovel with unfulfilled destiny
4. Human-shaped mass of solar plasma in need of a friend
5. Trio of cursed gourmands at table they cannot rise from
6. Charismatic leader of uprising amongst sorcerously-created henchthings
7. Very bored dark magician entombed in ice, speaking telepathically
8. Ascetic anteater monk on strict regimen of single ant per day
9. Abominable flesh-heap once worshipped as evil god, now exploring spoken word poetry traditions 
10. Hivemind of swamp damselflies communicating through coordinated flight patterns

Illustrations by Gordy H.

Blogwagon: The Valley of Eternal Cheer

Merry hexmas! Here's another weird adventure location I made for the community holiday blogwagon courtesy of Prismatic Wasteland. Use it however you like! Creative commons license at the end. If you link one of your hex edges to mine, drop a comment or message me on Bluesky and I'll update the post!

Download link

If you'd like a copy of these Christmas hexes in PDF form, get it for free here: https://periapt-games.itch.io/hexmas-locations

Summary

A sect of treetop angels makes this isolated mountain valley their home. Dwelling in the porous rock caverns, the object of their worship: the Blissful Homogenate. It is an immense festive slush composed of thousands of former intelligent entities, now an immense mushy rainbow sea, a hivemind experiencing True Holiday Joy. It dissolves anyone who touches it.

Hex terrain description

This is an area of lofty wind-wracked mountains, most of them bare other than the omnipresent snow. In the more protected valleys, pine trees huddle together for warmth.

One particularly deep valley, more of a huge crevasse than anything, is curiously warm. Wisps of steam drift about, and a rivulet of snowmelt runs its length. Bubbling up from clefts in the rock, a lumpy rainbow mishmash that looks like a tendrilly mess of soft modelling clay.

Above, there's a stand of huge trees, where glittering candlelight suggests the presence of people.

Connecting hexes

• Southeast: The Transient Snowfields (https://periaptgames.blogspot.com/2025/12/blogwagon-transient-snowfields.html)

Locale: The citadel of the treetop angels

A huge ice-encrusted treehouse with numerous parapets, slit windows, and clear sightlines. It is supported on the trunks of six massive pine trees. The only way up, if you can't fly, is a winding path that flips back and forth between ladder, tunnel, and staircase. Concentric walls of stakes at the base help keep out interlopers, but the gate – and the charitable donation box next to it – are both kept unlocked.

Inside, the citadel is freezing cold, lit only by candles. What care angels for warmth?

Principles of hospitality are a little fraught at the moment: the order is nearly torn apart by religious quarrel.

The treetop angels consider the whole valley a holy site. The caves and tunnels honeycombing it are filled with a miraculous vast-lake-sized gelatinous entity of perpetual cheer and enormous power, the Blissful Homogenate. The treetop angels revere this entity as their guardian, guide, and future, but they are at odds over the nature of their worship.

The order of angels is split into several factions, or 'choirs'.

• The loudest voice is that of the status quo, who sing: those who should be drawn into the Blissful Homogenate are already fated to do so. No intervention is needed.
• Another choir believes the angels should be united with their deity at once. These angels are only holding back long enough to convince their sistren to take the plunge together.
• A more radical faction sings carols of escalation: the heathen must be converted, whether by the sword, by persuasion and pilgrimage, or by cracking the stone of the valley asunder and letting the Blissful Homogenate descend like a multicoloured avalanche into the plains below.
• A small number of voices call for study and for optimisation. The rate of dissolution should be maximised. The Blissful Homogenate should be increased in volume if possible. The order should investigate methods for budding off new homogenates to carry elsewhere in the world.

The rift between angels is unlikely to be repaired, but canny adventurers could align themselves with a choir for personal gain, and possibly even egg on the factions to the point of violence. The treetop angels don't have much gold, but their stockpiles of frankincense and myrrh run deep.

Locale: The overlooking cliff

A precipice directly above the deepest part of the valley. Ancient, crumbling steps descend in fits and starts into the crevasse. It's screamingly windy here, shredding the wisps of steam that rise up.

When the sun is high, you can see through eddies in the mist below: parts of the Blissful Homogenate extend from the valley's caverns. It looks like a colourful smear across the rocks, as if vomited by some vast sherry-soused god on its way home to a mountaintop paradise to sleep it off.

There is a little shanty town here, made from rough-hewn pine wood, stacked boulders, and reindeer hides. A motley bunch of people have come here, mostly on bad information, and are unsure of what to do next. There's a continual argument simmering like an eternal stew.

Currently about twenty people live in the shacks (detailed in the encounter table below). Many others before them have returned to the lowlands, or descended into the valley to become one with the Blissful Homogenate.

There are also four treetop angels hanging around here:

• Numerica Of The Last Apex Unclimbed. Studying the Blissful Homogenate by observing those who may or may not eventually enter it. She's conducting an ongoing census and interviews. Currently taking measurements.
• Radiala Of The Final Pinnacle Unmatched. Feels a desperately personal relationship with the Blissful Homogenate. Paranoid. Fanatical. Has given up everything. Will keep herself out of the homogenate for all eternity to fulfil her self-appointed role of keeping it safe. Currently making patrols.
• Levitica Of The Ultimate Peak Unsurmounted. She's trying to enforce a taboo against hanging around the valley through persuasive sermons. Mostly she has succeeded in making everyone annoyed with her. Currently standing on a boulder and lecturing to the wind.
• Honoria Of The True Zenith Unparalleled. She's dipped a toe in the Blissful Homogenate and will soon be part of it. She's flown back up the cliff to spread the good word. Currently ecstatically dissolving.

Random cliff encounters (1d10):

1. Inkoo and Shmo. Pair of gigantic lumbering penguins. Mountain natives who make a simple living guiding curious people out here, then usually earning even more to guide them back again. Very disliked by the treetop angels.
2. Jenk Holdfraught. Withered old man. A would-be lich who hasn't managed to walk any of the normal dark paths. He's decided that eternity will still be worth it even if filled with tinsel, whistling, and the cross-talk of a happy hivemind, but it's not his first choice, and he's waiting until the last moment possible. If he waits much longer he won't be able to get down the steps under his own power. Has a small amount of treasure, mostly in the form of magical scrolls and cursed ritual equipment.
3. Five tuskers (huge tusked trolls) all wearing enormous boots and ceremonial bells. Not very smart. A small religious pilgrimage from the Grove Where The Snow Is Like Icing, over Rime Ridge. They were trying to find the Big Rock Candy Mountain and are unsure of what they've stumbled upon. That thing down there... is it pudding?
4. Prudence Dearborn. Half-angel. Skilled chef. Her current ambition is to make the ultimate festive spice mix, and she's travelled here for inspiration.
5. Old Father Chrysalis. A white-bearded wizard who touched the Blissful Homogenate and is becoming one with it, but much more slowly than usual. Meanwhile, he's wandering the valley and the cliff. Nobody knows his real name. Doesn't converse. Mumbles a slurpy bubbly mixture of arcane half-secrets and mystic half-truths. (Probably warded himself against the homogenate's effects and only partly succeeded.)
   
   
   
6. Snarlface, Dayglo, and Toad. Three escaped orcs of the Red Lord (see magnoliakeep.blogspot.com/2025/11/blog-bandwagon-orcish-toy-factory.html). One of several secret orc cells combing the world for potential superweapons to wield against their despicable master. Cautiously excited by the potential of the Blissful Homogenate, but underequipped to do anything with it.
7. Plush Carl. Three-eyed misfit toy. Trying to track down his happy-go-lucky great aunt, missing for months. She's one with the homogenate already.
8. Terrrence Norrbrright. Gangly hollow-eyed elf. Legate of a deposed tyrant. Truly hates good cheer, but is pretending otherwise. Smile like a death rictus. Hums off-key. Secretly wants to destroy the Blissful Homogenate and has brought a sorcerous weapon looted from his old boss's treasury to accomplish this. With the right invocation, the Cauldron Of Inversion should turn the homogenate's boiling, joyous form into something cold and hard and miserable. It won't, though. It'll just splatter dangerous chunks of it all over the landscape.
9. Jephrow Bosk. A skeleton percussionist. Inexpertly plays his ribcage like a xylophone. Thinking of branching out into skull bongos. Extremely cheerful; was drawn to this place by a mysterious inner pressure he can't explain. Jephrow wears the bejewelled Tiara Of Undead Control, giving him enormous amounts of self-actualisation. If it is removed he will become a mindless bloodthirsty monster.
   
    
10. Zephany. A westerly wind, separated from her easterly sister Gale (see thegloaminglog.blogspot.com/2025/12/the-quiet-season.html?m=1). Gale was last seen above these mountains, having talked to a treetop angel on the way past. She has left already, but Zephany doesn't know that, and deeply dreads descending into the valley. She hopes her brother Eddy will catch up to her here to lend some support.

 

Locale: The cheer-clogged depths

The rocky valley floor is in shadow for much of the day (the parts near the walls, perpetually so). A small stream of snowmelt pours the length of the middle and ends up in a sinkhole, feeding who knows what underground river further on.

Steam shrouds much of the valley depths, stirred by the omnipresent mountain wind, and occasionally scattered in wisps to the top of the overlooking cliff. It's slightly warm down here, and feels shockingly hot compared to the rest of the freezing mountains.

There's a pleasant humming sound.

Entity: The Blissful Homogenate

Larger than most lakes, and composed of colourful whorls of half-liquid, half-solid organic strands. These flow and wobble and slowly move about by themselves, occasionally splitting off and wandering semi-independently, never far from the main mass. Looks like the aftermath of an inconceivably huge and ultimately failed modeling clay project.

Vestiges of faces smile back at you.

It smells of cinnamon and hot plastic.

Background and expansion

The world's most optimistic and spirited are instinctually drawn to this place on their deathbeds, making it an elephant's graveyard of the merry. They make up the bulk of the homogenate. It has also amalgamated various stupid or unlucky animals (most avoid this place), unwanted experiments/victims who were disposed of here long ago, and a certain number of people who couldn't hack it as liches.

The rest of the homogenate is made up of molten treetop angels. They've been joining it pretty regularly over the years.

If you touch the Blissful Homogenate, you immediately start turning into it. You go runny bit by bit, the event horizon slowly travelling up your arm. You can be saved from the effect if you strike off the digit (or, for the incautious, the limb). Just make sure you cut far enough up.

It usually takes a few hours, after touching the Blissful Homogenate, to collapse into a pile of goo. Features slide off the face. The face drips off the body. Limbs elongate. Clothing melds with flesh. A distinct cheerfulness is felt all the while.

Once it's done, you're indistinguishable. Now if anybody touches you, they start turning, too.

Capabilities

The Blissful Homogenate is in a sense an intelligent hivemind, but undirected. It has never been known to take any real action; it is continually thrilled beyond mortal comprehension just to be experiencing the world around it.

The entity only cares for things that are lively and moving and glittery; it doesn't eat through rock and trees.

The Blissful Homogenate is extremely hot to the touch, like flowing candle wax. Hot enough to warm the rock of the valley and melt the snow above. Bits can be struck off its mass, and if this happens, they slowly cool, losing their animation. They will try to return to the main mass before this happens.

The entity doesn't retaliate if struck. There's an ocean of this stuff, much of it underground. What could possibly harm it?

Challenges and opportunities:

• The Blissful Homogenate is always happily humming. Its underground parts sometimes break out into full-on carols. The distant singing could draw characters into the dangerous cave systems around the valley walls where the goo level ebbs and flows.
• There's tall cliffs above and below the valley, and the rock is porous. A landslide, snowmelt-heavy river, earth tremor, or explosion could knock things into motion. An avalanche of hot homogenate would flow into the network of valleys below like a rainbow lahar, eventually reaching inhabited pastures. There'd be enough mass for it to last for weeks or months independently of the main blob, with all the trouble that would ensue.
• The trouble that's brewing with the treetop angels could easily reach a head. The outlook for their custodianship of the Blissful Homogenate is different depending on which faction wins.
• The shantytown inhabitants all want different things. Trouble is particularly likely from Terrrence Norrbrright, Jephrow Bosk, the orc trio, or the not-too-clever tuskers.
• If a small part of Blissful Homogenate is separated from the main mass, it will eventually cool down, deanimating. But it does not become completely inert. If a small part got into a town's water table before rotting away completely, it could cause strange hallucinations, and toys to be born as misfits.
• Buried in the caverns of the Blissful Homogenate are a few bits of magical treasure too dull and/or cold to be homogenised. The Sceptre Of The Snow Miser turns a foot-wide sphere of solid matter into snow with a touch (exactly as horrid as it sounds). The Woadstone is a simple stone amulet which dyes you blue as long as it is worn. The Snow Deanimation Orb projects a league-wide field which annihilates the consciousness of any snow-based lifeforms.
• The Blissful Homogenate has never been stirred to anger... to date. Characters who presented a genuine threat to it would find out how mobile it really is.

Rumours about this hex (1d6):

1. The long-sought Fountain of Merriment really does exist, and it's closer than you'd think! A drop of its waters would leave you happy for the rest of your life.
2. The Banshee Queen, whose voice was the demise of thousands, did not herself perish but is still alive somewhere in a hidden valley, kept alive by unnatural magics.
3. There's a geothermal springs with miraculous healing properties deep in the mountains. Their waters can even heal a damaged spirit!
4. Should a treetop angel be slain in anger by its brethren, the body's angelic halo can be snatched up by a mortal to grant an unearned textra life.
5. Some deranged alchemist created a dangerous substance called Colourful Amalgamising Clay. If you survive a brush with it, your mind will be forever changed.
6. A cabal of the world's most naturally cheerful people have a secret mountain retreat where they recharge their optimistic energy and make blood sacrifice to a great chthonic god.

Credits

The text of this post is released under a Creative Commons BY (4.0) license. Do what you like with it as long as you follow the terms: credit me, link here, and link to the license.

Illustrations licensed from Alderdoodle (alderdoodle.co.uk), Amanda Lee Franck, Jose Eduardo "Jegs" Gonzalez, and Art SilverGlass / Sophie Grunnet. Some illustrations by Fernando Salvaterra - used with permission.

Blogwagon: The Transient Snowfields

Merry hexmas! Here's a weird hex I made for Prismatic Wasteland's end-of-year blogwagon. Use it however you like! Creative commons license at the end. If you link one of your hex edges to mine, drop a comment or message me on Bluesky and I'll update the post!

Download link

If you'd like a copy of these Christmas hexes in PDF form, get it for free here: https://periapt-games.itch.io/hexmas-locations

Summary

A highland region of magically-animated snow. It is home to a village of 'roblings', creatures cursed to compulsively steal. A dysfunctional team of researchers has travelled here in a gingerbread mecha, now broken down.

 

Hex terrain description

This hilly region rises out of the rich pastures to the south and grassy steppe to the southeast. Here little grows beyond a dark moss, with snow always blanketing the ground.

The snowscape is dotted with missing patches, each one beginning a trail of footprints, as if areas of snow were getting up and walking away.

The region otherwise appears devoid of villages, hamlets, or other habitation. It rises higher into tall mountains at the northwest edge.

Connecting hexes

• Northeast: Three Calves (see https://elsewhere-elsewhere.neocities.org/posts/2025-12-07-23.-hexmas)
• Northwest: The Valley of Eternal Cheer (see https://periaptgames.blogspot.com/2025/12/blogwagon-valley-of-eternal-cheer.html)
• Southwest: The town of Borsk (see https://coppershaman.com/merry-hexmas-babbling-baboon/)
• Southeast: The Silver Steppe (see https://www.fluoriteguillotine.com/blog/2025/11/08/blogwagon-broken-bronco-on-the-silver-steppe/)
• ➡️ Let me know if I should change any for organisational purposes.

Description

The landscape is not-quite-beautiful. The sparkling white snow is thoroughly dotted with missing patches and criss-crossed with tracks. The wind gently sighs, except for when it's howling.

Transient snow can be found covering the hex. The large hilly snowfields look quite mundane, but are home to intelligent creatures who fall as snow during the night and collapse into quickly-dissolving piles of slush by the following afternoon.

The transient snow creatures all have names, personal stories lining up with hazy false memories of the world, and often relationships with each other. They have a dull understanding of the broader world, but only come to comprehend their own immediate mortality through the course of the day. Each has a unique appearance, as if bespokely made by a snow artist. They have equipment, clothing, and skills, all of which dissolves as the sun descends.

 

 

Locale: The village of the roblings

Roblings are part mischievous goblin, part red-breasted robin, although they joke that there's more magpie than robin. Something in the genetic mix gives them tails and claws, too, and makes them taller than most humans. They're muscular and very quick, and with the aforementioned claws, each one is about as dangerous as a bear if it comes to a fight.

These folk are all covered in long fur. Apart from a touch of red at the chest, they are dark green shading to black, the same colour as the moss and lichen under the snow. The roblings harvest those tiny plants, and hunt the reindeer that compete for it. They supplement their diets with small river fish and with sugared oranges of unclear origin.

Their village is two hundred roblings, of all ages. They hatch from knobbly hairy eggs, and their yurt homes have a nest-like look to them, low communal structures made from reindeer hides stitched with sinew, huge mammoth tusk struts, dried moss, and goose down.

The roblings are hospitable, but seem a little concerned that they are receiving visitors. A village elder will explain their circumstances:

• Background: The roblings as a species are cursed with kleptomaniac episodes. They are individually compelled at random intervals to go to the nearest place where they think some valuable objects might be, taking a big sack, and loot it all in a mischievous frenzy. They then return to wherever they live and find they don't care about the things they've taken, feeling fairly embarrassed about it (but not inclined to give anything back).
• Community: Because they are otherwise normal, the roblings don't like the outcomes from this behaviour. Their attempts to sublimate the urges failed, so a couple of generations ago they formed this community, leagues away from anywhere. A big part of their local culture consists of stealing from each other and the attendant little customs of going around to find their stuff again. Relatively few robling robberies now take place outside the village, but they have a big collection of things they stole in the past.
• Transient snow: Because the ancestral curse is about stealing valuable things, the roblings can safely live here amongst the transient snow creatures. The creatures' snow equipment (which evaporates daily) is largely worthless, so the robling instinct never targets them.
• History: The roblings were created in vats as an arcane experiment. Oral history says their creator was a genius archwizard whose hobby was thievery. She was betrayed by her apprentice who killed her, stole her powers, and abandoned the roblings for a new project, making some kind of huge mechanical baboon (see https://coppershaman.com/merry-hexmas-babbling-baboon/)

The roblings are smiling. Self-actualised. Happy with the niche they've carved out for themselves. They only admit to two worries:

1. In the distant future, population growth could have them brushing up against regions with other kinds of people, with friction as a result. They'd like to find a way to lift their curse if they could.
2. More immediately, some big, pricy, well-defended target could come along, prove irresistible, and the village would suffer some violent retaliation after robbing it. (They don't know about the W.A.I. gingerbread mech yet – see below)

If you could somehow alleviate either fear, you'd have the gratitude of a lot of interesting people.

Notable items stolen from the outside world by roblings (1d10):

1. Mrs Clause's rocking chair. She probably wants it back, but it's pretty heavy and unwieldy.
2. Treacle hourglass. Ornate ceremonial timepiece. The dark liquid very slowly flowing through it has almost finished counting down a decade.
3. Sack of large rubies and sapphires. Used as 'practise gems' by an apprentice gnome lapidary, they are all quite misshapen or in some cases have been split in half. Still valuable.
4. A set of telescope lenses once belonging to the Snow Miser (see https://tbr.bearblog.dev/merry-hexmas-blog-bandwagon-snow-misers-houseboat/)
5. Two large golden rings, from a set of five. A recent political intrigue is said to have revolved around them. Sounds like a tall tale to you.
   
6. A taxidermied chimerical denizen of some nightmarish realm. This particular chimera has the glassy-eyed head of a reindeer, body of a giant penguin, and feathers of a turkey, duck, and chicken combined. It also has human arms, holding a knife and fork.
7. Trunk-sized golden key to the city of Sniffleheim, fortified ancestral home of the frost giants. Etched on one side with the Sniffleheim coat of arms (a stylised scowl) and on the other with "Property of Jarl Keith".
   
8. Tongs of the Heat Miser. Magically room-temperature kitchen tongs. Once used by this mysterious figure to manipulate objects without melting them into white-hot blobs, before he learned a measure of control over his eldritch power.
9. Bottomless Pouch of Sugared Oranges. Vital to the roblings, who use it to supplement their moss-based diet with extra calories and vitamins.
   
10. Single-use doomsday device stolen from the Red Lord (see https://magnoliakeep.blogspot.com/2025/11/blog-bandwagon-orcish-toy-factory.html). Ugly pear-shaped mess of steel pipes, loose wires, and warning symbols. If activated, it instantly tinselifies all organic life in a six-league radius, leaving nothing but glittering strands and a mass of fused slag at the epicentre.

 

 

 

Locale: A curious expedition

A campsite huddles around the legs of a massive gingerbread mecha. The five-storey-tall delicious biscuit robot is currently immobile.

Houses a research party from the Weather Advancements Institute (W.A.I.), here to study the magical properties of the snow. They are competing with the North Pole Ironworks and the Hannukademy for funding, and would offer trade tips and small favours for news about either group or for leads on new sources of private equity.

The gingerbread mecha is a quadrupedic walking vehicle constructed from pastry, icing, spun sugar, high-tensile marzipan, and rolled steel. The inside smells like a holiday drink made from hot machine oil. The mecha broke down slightly short of its destination two leagues further into the snowfield, so the expedition has set up camp here while mechanic Grace tinkers with it.

The mecha is armed with a devastating heat ray and six pop-out autocannon turrets which lob chocolate shells at an unbelievable rate of fire. Part of an experimental fleet belonging to the Heat Miser, who contracted the design out to the W.A.I., funded the construction, and leased it back in a sweetheart deal.

Weather Advancements Institute team members (1d8):

1. Dr Margrit Blithely. Principal investigator. Stressed out. Really needs this expedition to work. Has only just found out about the roblings and is worried there could be a violent clash. The mecha has autonomous defences which can't be deactivated.
2. Thab Xnox. Research assistant. Hammock enthusiast. Has raised laziness to an artform. Motivated by nothing but new excuses not to do his job.
3. Magus Kaleb Baiseen. Academic wizard. Fascinated with the elements. His life's work is the construction of a periodic table partitioned along the lines of which elements can or cannot be animated or summoned.
4. Jennet Jensdottir. Meteorologist. Seven feet tall, platinum blonde, glittering celebrity smile, mind like a steel trap. Sociopath. Prolific writer. Managing editor for a journal of sorcerous metereology.
5. Dward Blue. Former jolly postman. Current grouchy mech driver. Chain smoker. Mood made worse by the expedition's limited stock of booze and their current inability to get out of here on a moment's notice if anything goes wrong.
6. Grace Isthmus. Gingerbread mechanic. Green-skinned and covered in warts. Wears black overalls, bright red sequinned shoes, a permanent grin. Omnidirectionally overoptimistic. Very confident. Loves her job. Currently trying to work out why the gingerbread engine in Knee #3 won't start.
7. Snid Kipper. Dogsbody. Young, anxious, splay-eared. Self-consciously amateur bagpiper and even more amateur poet. Very earnest.
8. Chunk. Team mascot. Salamander. Little salamander collar with her name on it. Sleeps in the main boiler. Eats coal kibble. Very fat.

 

 

 

Random hex encounters (1d10):

1. Jessica Bonechill. Transient snow creature in the form of an axe-wielding skeleton. Mercenary for hire, briefly. She wears a windbreaker and complains of the cold.
2. Magus Glace von Zephyrous. Transient snow creature in the form of a pretentious floating wizard. Capable of casting up to fourth level spells, but will thoroughly indulge his fondness for riddles before being any help at all.
3. Mister Hiphup. Transient snow creature in the form of a snowman. Hiking through the snow, eager to explore this new world he has found himself in, unaware he will live only a few more hours
4. Megafrosty. Transient snow creature in the form of a gigantic three-headed snowman. Sings in a robotic voice. Has false memories of having lived thirty centuries. Dislikes solemnity and may attack the maudlin.
5. Ia Snowhorn. Transient snow creature in the form of a fearsome ice centaur. He is struggling to traverse the snow on icicle legs which sink knee-deep with every stride.
6. Kel Brittlegrasp. A young wandering robling, curious about foreigners.
7. A small team of gnomes wearing piping hot steamsuits for warmth. They are crossing the snow on coal-burning sledges on a long journey to the big city. All of them are accomplished builders and interior designers, absolutely desperate for work (perhaps at a place like this).
8. 
   Three roblings (Bok, Twik, and Winston) armed with spears and big empty sacks, stalking a small herd of reindeer across the snow.
9. A small herd of reindeer.
10. Snid Kipper from the W.A.I., looking for a bit of solitude to practise the bagpipes. He keeps bumping into slightly simple-minded transient snow creatures and is finding it hard to shake them.

 

 

Rumours about this hex (1d8):

1. There's a whole town of grinning demons out beyond the steppe, dark green like the algae-slick walls of an old well. They live to steal.
2. A privately-funded research group has sent an expedition armed with gingerbread technology after something valuable out in the deep snowfields.
3. There's a place where the snow gets up and walks around, asking confused questions.
4. There was a string of odd thefts a couple of decades ago. Mrs Clause's rocking chair. The key to the city of Sniffleheim. The Tongs of the Heat Miser. Things that have never been fenced.
5. Some strange naive chap walked down from the hills. He was white as snow and dressed in strange baubles. He got drunk enough at the public house to cause problems, and couldn't pay his tab. When they opened up the gaol cell the next day there was nothing left of him but a puddle.
6. The Red Lord has been furious about a break-in which he was never able to avenge. He's put a big bounty on the head of something called a 'robling'.
7. If you find a place where odd folk are birthed from the snow itself, the flowering lichen there should be cut under a full moon, dried, powdered, and burned as incense. You'll have oracular visions.
8. Up beyond the snowline there's an orc spawning pit that went wrong and all the orcs there are obsessed with theft.

 

 

Credits

The text of this post is released under a Creative Commons BY (4.0) license. Do what you like with it as long as you follow the terms: credit me, link here, and link to the license.

The illustrations incorporated here are by Alderdoodle (alderdoodle.co.uk), Joe-Austin Flynn (www.patreon.com/c/u95234086/), Evlyn Moreau (www.patreon.com/c/evlynmoreau/), Steven Colling (https://stevencolling.itch.io/), and Jeffrey Koch (https://legacy.drivethrurpg.com/browse/pub/26533/Jeff-Koch-Stock-Art). Used with permission.

Discworld RPG: Concludium

In this Octobereview, I wrap up the Discworld Roleplaying Game (powered by GURPS), by Terry Pratchett and Phil Masters. Last time, I talked about the setting chapters.

This time, I'm reviewing the remaining parts of the book (pp 367–408), all the juicy running-the-game stuff!

This is probably the most important section to me. Although the 'GURPS rules' parts are necessary for running the game, and the 'Discworld review' parts are necessary for understanding the canon world, this is where the authors are handed the reins to really extrapolate, develop, and get creative.

Part 11: Bad food, no sleep, and strange people

We start the section with Running for your laugh, guidance for game/campaign management. There's some good general structural advice here. They also managed to get a chuckle out of me (p 368):

If anyone really wanted, they could use the setting for an old-fashioned game in which heroes and wizards beat up monsters and take their treasure. Or they could create gloomy sagas about angst-ridden vampires on the streets of Ankh-Morpork. There's no obvious reason to do so, but nothing to stop anyone, either.

The authors talk about managing tempo and pace (p 369). This advice is generally good, but some lines jumped out to me here: "a fight that lasts mere seconds in the game world can take much of the session to run [...] The GM should avoid combat if the current aim of the game is to get to the next important plot point quickly." Emphasis in original.

I must admit, this – and some similar language scattered throughout the book – rubbed me the wrong way. It practically admits that the underlying engine is too slow to be useful. It also suggests a view of the GM as fundamentally a linear storyteller, which might be appropriate if this was, you know, a story-telling game, rather than a traditional TTRPG with a smattering of story-telling elements.* Pesto and chocolate milk are both tasty, and maybe you could find a recipe to combine them complementarily, but it's been 368 pages of rules for chocolate milk and now I'm being told to sprinkle pesto on top.

* The implication, here and elsewhere, is that the GM's role is to decide "the next important plot point", disregarding choices and rules to shepherd the player (character)s towards it. I'm not a fan.

The text goes on to add, "In general, Discworld games should run fast and light. [...] A roleplaying game, humorous or not, is a cooperative project, and if the GM takes too much power from the players, they'll ultimately become frustrated. Everyone should be allowed input." Again, this sentiment seems out of place for a simulation-heavy TTRPG

"Everyone should be allowed input" ...into what, exactly? This pretty clearly doesn't just mean the truism, "don't take away for non-diegetic reasons the exactly one way players can affect their environment in a classic TTRPG, i.e., their power to make their characters' decisions".

Even with a generous reading it seems to mean, "import story-telling-game elements into how you run this TTRPG, by having aspects of the world/outcomes decided by an unspecified collaborative process with the players." And in 408 pages there are no rules for doing that, and little to no advice for dealing with the dissonance of players having to break out of the making-decisions-as-if-they-were-their-character headspace to make decisions about the world as if they were its creator. Shrug.

One little thing that caught my attention, on p 371, is that "The Colour of Magic contains several RPG references". This surprised me; maybe I need to read it again.* It definitely contains a lot of references to the sort of 1960s-70s pulp adventure and sci-fi/fantasy fiction on which early D&D was built, but if there are direct TTRPG aspects, I never noticed them.

* The game the gods play throughout has miniature tokens representing characters and creatures, but I remember it being in much more of a "European boardgame" style.

Sample campaign setting

The book's main sample setting (essentially, pirate adventure in the Brown Islands*) is quite good! It covers a region that sits largely outside of the Discworld canon, and it hits a lot of the right notes in terms of descriptiveness and usefulness to a GM. The islands are presented as a sort of semi-policed melting-pot wilderness borderlands, which is an excellent background for RPG adventure.

* A pastiche of Hawaii, mostly.

I'm pretty sure that Llapffargoch-Wokkaiiooii is meant to extend the Hawaiian pastiche to include some of the Pacific Islands and New Zealand, which (as a New Zealander) feels a bit forced, but that's pretty much always going to be the case when you're reading an outsider's view.

I've got to say, the idea of hiring the PCs to "break into an enemy's home or workplace and rearrange the furniture to bring bad luck" is great. That's completely outside of the classic RPG scenario space, and I'd love to use it some day. (The book also gives it pretty thorough mechanical support.)

The Discworld RPG presents several other settings in short form, and all of them seem like they could be a good time. For example, there's advice for a Fourecks "road warrior" setting.* I should note that this book is somewhat old-fashioned in places, but it could be worse when it comes to things like colonialism and female empowerment. The Brown Islands is run by foreign governors... but the indigenous people don't much care what they say. There's a Klatchian setting with a harem... but the women are comfortably running the town. Et cetera.

* I was expecting the waterless regatta from The Last Continent, given this book's reluctance to extend canon. I suspect road warrior was chosen just for the cart wars / car wars joke.

Sample scenarios

The book presents three adventure scenarios; two about fruit and one about herring historical justice.

In "Lost and Found", the PCs investigate a banana shortage and discover a magical jungle lab emitting reptilian monsters. In "Full Court Press", the PCs get involved in the succession politics of an apple-growing duchy. In "Sektoberfest in NoThingFjord", the PCs set out to rescue a skald (storyteller) from a huge troll and probably end up settling a historical injustice.

I want to say off the bat that the underlying ideas are great. I'd run a scenario based on the first or third scenario without hesitation. 👍

And the implementation of those ideas is mostly good. 👍

Unfortunately, the presentation of the scenarios is undermined by two major issues.

Issue 1: Failing to help the reader

The authors commit one of the cardinal sins of RPG scenario design: presenting the adventure as a fun little mystery for the GM to be puzzled by until they've read to the end. None of the important parts are explained up front. The authors want the players to feel like they're experiencing a story? Sure. Writing the scenario as if the GM trying to read the thing also has to experience it as a story? Excruciating.

So in Lost and Found, the GM reading isn't told why there's a banana shortage, which is the entire basis of the scenario. Without a precis sketch up front, they won't find out for many pages. Long after they encounter a text box which says: "remember that the problem lies hundreds of miles distant, and is somewhat peculiar, with a certain amount of unconventional magic involved." The reader can't "remember" those three things. They haven't been told any of it!

So the GM who just wants to know if they like this adventure enough to study it and run it has to read the whole thing through to find out, then reread it with the basis facts required to actually plan how to use the scenario. It would have been trivially easy to provide the necessary information in a text box or paragraph at the start.

In Full Court Press, it's worse. The scenario writers simply didn't finish their job. Who killed the old duke, and why? What do the various described activities indicate? Well, it "depends on what the GM has decided about the true history and motivation of the NPCs" (p 394). "Matters should culminate in the revelation of some truth".

This is a cop-out, and one which particularly stings because not only does the text lack a disclaimer up front ("this scenario is incomplete"), it actually claims a GM can use the scenario "as is"!

If the problem was space, why not just write even less of the adventure and put it with the other incomplete scenario ideas at the end of the book?

The "failing to help the reader" issue comes up somewhat in Sektoberfest in NoThingFjord, too. The PCs are in a cave complex chasing after an abducted skald (p 396). They hear a deep voice relating things that happened in the past (something a skald does), and then they see the abductee. Seven paragraphs and a section break later, the reader discovers that it's not the skald who's been talking! I'm fairly sure this was just sloppy editing rather than a deliberate mystery, but again, a paragraph at the start sketching the overall scenario would have avoided the problem.

Issue 2: Implied culture of play

The other issue I'll freely admit is subjective: The scenarios advocate for a culture of play which makes me uncomfortable. It's similar to the problem I had with some of the tempo/pace advice (above).

We're told that the GM should just veto a PC's advantages from putting points in Wealth (p 386). The GM should fudge dice results and move things behind the scenes and ignore creature traits (p 391) so that things happen as they envisaged. There's this expectation for the GM to have an idea of "the way things ought to go" and covertly change things to make that happen. Is it railroading? It's at least railroading-adjacent.

Reading Sektoberfest in NoThingFjord, I started to believe that the authors just fundamentally disagree with what I would consider the deepest TTRPG loop: mentally simulating a world, seeing what the characters try to do, and then arriving at plausible outcomes using rules + good judgment + knowledge of how the world works.

• Instead of referring to rules for light, it's "reasonable" to "penalise" explorers for not taking equipment such as lanterns.
• Instead of referring to rules for navigation, "there's only a limited amount of fun to be had by getting them lost, and having them completely lost and starving to death is dull. But the players might pay more attention if they sense that the GM is thinking about that possibility."*
• Players get to "make IQ rolls to grasp the subtleties of" an issue once the GM has described it, instead of engaging their brains.
• After the script says a troll gestures at the wall, "visitors should make Per rolls to notice the general shape of the walls on the far side of the cave." Implicitly, characters can't notice a secret until the "right" story beat, no matter what they do.

* There are numerous references throughout the book to the GM feeling "kind" or "sadistic".

Again: The Discworld RPG has very few story-telling-game mechanics, and the ones it has (like Riding The Narrative) are limited and optional. But there are all these little asides telling a GM not to run the game as the crunchy traditional GURPS TTRPG it has been built as.

I understand that occasionally a GM might end up with the donkey up the minaret, and have to choose between (a) cheating to create a fun play experience, or (b) letting the chips fall where they may. But note that this is a choice.

If you play it without cheating, yes, you might have an early TPK or an anticlimactic ending or have to split a session because you run out of time. Yes, it might be less fun.* You at least won't be teaching the players lessons like "the PCs can't lose" or "the PCs can't win early with cleverness" or "there will be x amount of conflict per game session no matter what" or "the GM doesn't care about the rules of the game".

* But you don't know for sure.

If the GM finds that they need to cheat to "save" a fun play experience, something brought them to that point. It's almost certainly down to a failure of the system, a failure of the scenario, or a failure of the GM. Two of those things were within the purview of the authors to fix, and in a book of this size they could have advised on the third. Instead, they keep calling for a thumb on the scale within the scenario design. My personal opinion is that it's a bad look. Rant over; my apologies.

Other scenario possibilities

Fortunately, we don't have to end the review on a sour note! The final part of the chapter ends with a half a dozen scenario seeds, for a GM to take and run with. These are all very ideas-dense and a great fit for the canon, and I enjoyed reading them.

If I were to run the GURPS Discworld RPG, I'd pick one of these to start with – probably Plumbing the depths. If PTerry hadn't suffered his health disaster, I think we were cued up for a book about the Undertaking in Ankh-Morpork, and this offers a chance to explore what that might have been.

Remainder

There's some end matter, too! It consists of a slightly absurd glossary of Disc terms, the inevitable Discworld + GURPS bibliography (which sums up the books fairly pithily), and a comprehensive index which almost never just redirects the reader to another index entry (D&D, take note).

Final thoughts

I began this book as a Discworld fan and GURPS outsider. By the end of it, I had a better grip on GURPS and an itch to go back and read through the Discworld books. I consider that a win!

I'm also backing the new Modiphius game, Terry Pratchett's Discworld RPG: Adventures in Ankh-Morpork. I can't wait to see the difference in approaches to this large (and for many reasons difficult-to-translate) corpus of creative material.

Discworld RPG: The setting

In this Octobereview, it's another look at the thick tome that is the Discworld Roleplaying Game (powered by GURPS), by Terry Pratchett and Phil Masters. Last time, I talked about the magic system.

This time, I'm reviewing all the setting stuff (pp 220-366)! Lands, environs, NPCs, scenarios, and so on.

I mentioned when I cracked this book open for the first Octobereview that there's really no winning in TTRPG book layout. To wit, this book splits its setting guide into a hefty Part 1 (in case you're unfamiliar with Discworld) and then comes back to it in Parts 6–11 (in case you're only somewhat familiar with Discworld). It's an inelegant split, but better than any alternative I could think of.

A lot actually happens from the start of a given Discworld book to the end, and although the chronology is muddled, there were substantial overall changes to the setting over the course of the series. The Discworld Roleplaying Game does a pretty good job of accounting for all the different points in time which players might play in.

Part 6: Life and Lands

I think PTerry had a particular Theory Of History And Society which shone through in his work. It's been interesting to see the GURPS authors' take on it. I think they do a pretty good job, with some exceptions.*

* For example, I wonder if re-framing dwarf vs troll conflict as being about 'vertical real estate' as the 'source of the problem', p. 228, was meant to have the undertones it has.

This chapter, p 220-267, is 'Life and Lands' information: a fairly thorough Discworld physical/cultural geography primer with very little game-specific content, just a minor 'adventuring lens'. It's all Discworld and not much game, so it's hard for me to evaluate its usefulness to the average GM.

All this could have come straight out of the Discworld Companion, and maybe it did. The book has diamond trolls emitting light (p 230), which I think is a misunderstanding. My only other note here is that the similarity of the phrases 'Octarine Grass Country' and 'Ultraviolet Grasslands' left me thinking about a crossover for a while.

Part 7: Ankh-Morpork

This continues being more 'setting overview' than 'gameplay aide'. I don't have much to say that wouldn't just reflect Discworld itself.

One rough spot shows on p 257, which lists a watchman's equipment. The GURPS rules say the watch officer will necessarily be at Light encumbrance or higher; the book takes pains to point out unencumbered PCs can therefore just run away from the watch. It advises that if they do, they can be penalised by running into specific Named Characters. The bottom line to me is that it's true of this fictional world that a watchman can't catch a fleeing perp (PC or NPC). That's a broken mechanic and the authors just chose to slap a crude patch on it.

I also spotted the very first typographical error after 259 pages of quite dense text: an extra comma in the 'orphans' box.* I used to be a copy-editor; that's a frankly superb hit rate. The whole book is very professionally made.

*A missed opportunity to do some extremely rare and on-the-nose grammatical irony.

A few other slips in the section were, I think, American writers not quite nailing British English, e.g., 'gasoline' for 'petrol' (p 270).

Part 8: Supernatural wotsits

This section offers a bit more advice about magic and its uses, including keeping PCs in line. Like the 'watchmen can't catch you' problem in Part 7 I think some of this should have been solved at its source instead of having a patch slapped on top.

There's discussions of gods and so on; not much in the way of game mechanics. A serviceable chapter.

Part 9: NPCs et al.

With NPCs we return (p 305) to the really GURPSy bits for the first time in a while. Here we get, for almost every major character in the series, either some abbreviated character attributes or a full GURPS character stat block.

We also get some advice for using canon characters in play, which amounts to "don't overdo it". Of course, it's damned-if-you-do,-damned-if-you-don't: the Disc books and humour are extremely character-driven. But as the Discworld RPG points out, hitting the right tone for a well-established, well-loved character from a different form of media is necessarily going to be difficult for pretty much any GM. If you're going to try it, this book is determined to give you 45 pages of stats to fall back on!

Part 10: Critters

We also get stats for Discworld animals – including the Disc 'versions' of regular animals (superintelligent camels, occult cats, sapient dogs) – and monsters.

There were some interesting choices about which beasts to include. Of the classic swords-and-sorcery slash-em-up monsters which show up in Discworld, very few are mentioned. Basilisks, yetis, ice giants, and the avatar of Bel-Shamharoth aren't statted up, to name a few. But some one-note, one-book, harmless and uninteresting creatures like curious squid are there.

Side note: It's always interesting to see how much an RPG values a horse. Especially, say, a warhorse vs a riding or draft horse. Historical warhorse sale prices / valuations are notoriously all over the place, even in similar places and times, often for reasons that weren't preserved in the historical record.

• OD&D: 3-7× the price depending on weight
• D&D 5e: 8× the price
• J M Davidson's "Universal Price List"*: 46× the price

* Which I remember getting a lot of traction in the TTRPGsphere back in the day

In the Discworld RPG, an "expensive" warhorse is just 2× the price of a draft horse, waaaay at the cheap end of the scale!

The creatures, like the NPCs and the setting guide, are in the necessary-but-not-intrinsically-interesting box for me. By contrast, the final section of this massive book is the juiciest part: the methods for actually running a Discworld RPG game. I write about it here!